Saturday, April 14, 2012

4-way #1: The Plugged Stool

The Plugged Stool lives up to its name:  shit-splattered and backed-up, without any other options, you've got no other choice but to squat a few inches above the filthy seat and pinch one off.  No sense in flushing it, you know you're only going to make matters worse.  Just be glad you didn't feel the icy touch of that filthy toilet seat on your ass.  You got the job done with only minimal skid-marks on your shoes.  Get the fuck out of there and hope the next person's got the time to figure out where they keep the plunger.

Cliff Avenue and County Highway 110 meet at this 4-way stop, The Plugged Stool.  It's surrounded by what sadly passes as the new business district of Harrisburgia.  In reality it's an crammed orgy of capitalist ventures all trying to cash in on the fact that The Stool lies dead-center of the four Harrisburgian schools and serves as their only ways in or out...

Here's the ins and outs.  A couple blocks straight south:  the new middle school.  A couple blocks straight east:  Liberty Elementary.  A half-mile staight west:  the new high school.  A mile to the north:  Freedom Elementary.  Couple that with Casey's gas station, BP gas station, Godfather's Pizza, Boss' Pizza and Chicken, Avera clinic, Neighborhood Dental, Subway, Tiger Tots daycare, Sports Zone bar, Tiger Casino, and a car wash - all located within a block of The Stool - and you've got yourself a messy situation.

Almost all school and business traffic is forced through this increasingly Plugged Stool.  The way in which newly-built neighborhoods have been (dis)connected from each other forces drivers to use both Cliff and CH110 as their only routes of escape.  Want in or out?  Get in line.

It's not uncommon to see single-lane traffic backed-up from The Stool a half-mile west to the high school.  Yes, single-lane.  Traffic in all directions to and from the Stool is single-lane.  To avoid epicenter, many drivers resort to cutting through business' parking lots to cut the corners.  A warning to future visitors, the Harrisburgian law-enforcement has gotten wise to these short-cuts.  Anyone caught trying to illegally avoid the Plugged Stool will be promptly stopped and fined.  Do not resist.  You cannot avoid it.  If you try, you will be punished.

There's a very simple solution to clear a Plugged Stool.  A plunger.  Or, if it's beyond repair, a new toliet.  In this case, a traffic light.  A couple extra lanes at the 4-way itself to clear turning cars from the main line.  Or better yet, try connecting the new developments and schools with roads other then the two aforementioned ones that form the Stool.  There's over 4000 people living in Harrisburgia, an increase of over 420% in the last decade.  This Harrisburgian turd has been marinading in the Stool for a decade now.  Time to get the damn thing to flush.

The Plugged Stool from the sky:

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